Day One: Finding Purpose in the Waiting
Day Two: Lies Women Believe About Infertility
Day Three: Infertility Resources
Long days spent in quiet isolation, alone in my thoughts, alone in my heartache, and left to wonder why God had abandoned me. Long nights of restless sleep, and dreams that end without the promise of coming true.
I’ve longed for and waited for and wished for a baby. I’ve prayed countless prayers and cried countless tears.
Lies were mistaken for truth.
Hope was replaced with despair.
Dreams sulked in the shadow of depression.
An identity was lost, buried deep beneath the surface of reality along with dreams and expectations.
I’ve been breathless from excitement, and I’ve been breathless from heart-crushing grief.
Afraid to hope, I hope anyway.
Afraid to pray, I pray anyway.
Afraid to dream, I dream anyway.
I’ve been pushed, forced to face the reality that sometimes baby-making involves needles and test tubes and a whole staff of nurses and doctors.
I’ve never envied a mother her baby. Because deep within my heart, I don’t long to carry and birth and nurse her child. Your child.
I envy the ease with which your family was created. Your child was fashioned in the most scandalously intimate way: in love and desire and passion.
My child will be conceived in love too. But there is a red hazardous waste container on my kitchen counter that reminds me of my inability to make a baby the old fashioned way.
I envy your lack of paperwork. I have filled out and signed my name to mountains of medical forms. And on my table, a medication dosing chart mocks me as if I could somehow forget that I must inject myself with hormone altering medication. Oh that I could, just for a moment, forget.
I envy your ignorance. You said, “I think I’m ready to start a family,” and nine or ten or thirteen months later your precious child arrived and your whole world was shifted in one moment of brutal agony and scandalous love. And you go about your motherhood as if you were actually in control of when your baby was conceived.
This story, it is one of loss, and frustration, wrestling, and anger. And yes, it is one of envy.
But even with all of its fantastical failures, and anger and envy, this story needs to be told.
Your story needs to be told.
That story of feeling isolated and abandoned? Tell it. And you will find comfort in community, even if the community is small.
That story of loss? Tell it, and you might find a new identity.
That story of heartbreak? Tell it. And healing will come in the most unexpected ways.
I know this season seems like it will never end. I know. I feel the weight of “what if.” But this season has a purpose, a gloriously redeeming purpose, and holding it in and hiding behind pain and fear and shame defeats that divine purpose.
Don’t let this season of waiting go to waste.
Today I’m joining Resolve.org as I Join the Movement of women opening up about infertility. For more information about infertility please check out their website. You can find out more about National Infertility Awareness Week here.
Are you ready to be an inspiration? (To find out the purpose of the Desire to Inspire community, please read this post.)
- Please visit the others who link up and leave kind, encouraging words for them. This is about encouraging, inspiring, and building up one another.
- If you tweet about linking up, please use the hashtag #desiretoinspire so we can find each other.
- Link up your own quality, read-worthy posts.
- Focus on how you can be an inspiration, not what inspires you.
- You do not have to follow ARD, but of course I’d love it if you would.
- Link up your specific post, not your blog’s homepage.
- Please do not link up giveaways, blog/social media hops, or shops.
- Please link back to A Royal Daughter in your post (using the button below, or a text link back) or add this linky party to your linky party list.
<div align="center"><a href="http://www.aroyaldaughter.com/category/desire-to-inspire/" title="A Royal Daughter"><img src="http://www.aroyaldaughter.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Desire-to-Inspire-Button.png" alt="A Royal Daughter" style="border:none;" /></a></div>