Desire to Inspire #32: Join the Movement

National Infertility Awareness Week at A Royal Daughter

Day One: Finding Purpose in the Waiting

Day Two: Lies Women Believe About Infertility

Day Three: Infertility Resources

Day Four: Infertility from the Husband’s Perspective

Long days spent in quiet isolation, alone in my thoughts, alone in my heartache, and left to wonder why God had abandoned me. Long nights of restless sleep, and dreams that end without the promise of coming true.

I’ve longed for and waited for and wished for a baby. I’ve prayed countless prayers and cried countless tears.

Lies were mistaken for truth.

Hope was replaced with despair.

Dreams sulked in the shadow of depression.

An identity was lost, buried deep beneath the surface of reality along with dreams and expectations.

I’ve been breathless from excitement, and I’ve been breathless from heart-crushing grief.

Afraid to hope, I hope anyway.

Afraid to pray, I pray anyway.

Afraid to dream, I dream anyway.

I’ve been pushed, forced to face the reality that sometimes baby-making involves needles and test tubes and a whole staff of nurses and doctors.

National Infertility Awareness Week

I’ve never envied a mother her baby. Because deep within my heart, I don’t long to carry and birth and nurse her child. Your child.

I envy the ease with which your family was created. Your child was fashioned in the most scandalously intimate way: in love and desire and passion.

My child will be conceived in love too. But there is a red hazardous waste container on my kitchen counter that reminds me of my inability to make a baby the old fashioned way.

I envy your lack of paperwork. I have filled out and signed my name to mountains of medical forms. And on my table, a medication dosing chart mocks me as if I could somehow forget that I must inject myself with hormone altering medication. Oh that I could, just for a moment, forget.

I envy your ignorance. You said, “I think I’m ready to start a family,” and nine or ten or thirteen months later your precious child arrived and your whole world was shifted in one moment of brutal agony and scandalous love. And you go about your motherhood as if you were actually in control of when your baby was conceived.

Holding my hand through infertility

This story, it is one of loss, and frustration, wrestling, and anger. And yes, it is one of envy.

But even with all of its fantastical failures, and anger and envy, this story needs to be told.

Your story needs to be told.

That story of feeling isolated and abandoned? Tell it. And you will find comfort in community, even if the community is small.

That story of loss? Tell it, and you might find a new identity.

That story of heartbreak? Tell it. And healing will come in the most unexpected ways.

I know this season seems like it will never end. I know. I feel the weight of “what if.” But this season has a purpose, a gloriously redeeming purpose, and holding it in and hiding behind pain and fear and shame defeats that divine purpose.

Don’t let this season of waiting go to waste.

Today I’m joining as I Join the Movement of women opening up about infertility. For more information about infertility please check out their website. You can find out  more about National Infertility Awareness Week here.

Are you ready to be an inspiration? (To find out the purpose of the Desire to Inspire community, please read this post.)

  • Please visit the others who link up and leave kind, encouraging words for them. This is about encouraging, inspiring, and building up one another.
  • If you tweet about linking up, please use the hashtag #desiretoinspire so we can find each other.
  • Link up your own quality, read-worthy posts.
  • Focus on how you can be an inspirationnot what inspires you.
  • You do not have to follow ARD, but of course I’d love it if you would.
  • Link up your specific post, not your blog’s homepage.
  • Please do not link up giveaways, blog/social media hops, or shops.
  • Please link back to A Royal Daughter in your post (using the button below, or a text link back) or add this linky party to your linky party list.
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20 thoughts on “Desire to Inspire #32: Join the Movement

  1. [email protected]

    Amanda, thank you for sharing your story…your beautifully raw, tragically moving story. I truly believe that it is in sharing our story that we can truly heal, and help others along the way. Thank you for being strong enough, courageous enough, to tell a difficult and personal story. I know God will use it, and I pray He will bless you for it. Blessings!

  2. Darby Dugger

    Amanda, I relate to the envy of not being able to have children “the old fashioned” way. I remember struggling with anger over the entire thing. The Lord kept bringing me back to the book of Jonah where God asks Jonah, “Do you have any right to be angry with me?” And Jonah said, “Yes, I’m so angry I could die.”

    Literally, I camped out in that book for a LONG time until I could finally answer the Lord’s question with , “No, I have no right to be angry.” My son’s name is Jonah in order to daily remind me of that lesson.

    I really appreciated all your posts this week (and every week). I’m certainly giving your name out to others I know who are currently in your same season. Thank you for being a blessing and allowing God to use your story.

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  4. Bri

    Amanda – so heartachingly beautiful. Your words so moved my heart. So inspired by your willingness to share this painful story.

  5. Salena Lee

    This is so beautiful Amanda. Your series has made me look at my journey differently, to look at things I missed and to see the truth in it. It also resonates with me. Your story is going to touch so many hearts and help so many couples. xo

  6. Rebekah

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m praying God’s best for you, and trusting that He will meet your every need. Thank you for hosting this, and for the opportunity to read some other wonderful posts! Best wishes for a great weekend!

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  8. Em

    I am so glad to have found your website. What an excellent resource for women of God to seek out when they need a little inspiration or the sense of community. Thank you for speaking out about infertility. I am so proud to raise my voice alongside women like you. I pray that God will be ever so near to you in your journey. I pray that He will give you the desires of your heart, and most of all, I pray that your story will continue to be an instrument in His hand…that He will make Himself look good through you.

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