There was a time when I loathed this season of waiting. I’ve written about the heart-screams that I tried in vain to quiet, shushing myself with words I know to be true. And somehow, in the hollowness of a broken heart, those truths fell flat. Not even an echo, just a painful “thud” as truth, His truth, landed heavy on my heart, as though it were nothing more than trite cliches and platitudes.
The fall of 2012 marked the beginning of a divinely orchestrated change within my heart. Am I still in a season of waiting? Yes, of course I am. But oh-so slowly I’ve come to realize that this season of waiting is not an evil plot to punish me, to tear me down and bring me low. And I’ve realized that there is purpose in the breaking.
There’s a beautiful, painful paradox that I cling to: Jesus pursues my heart by breaking it. But praise be to God He doesn’t leave it broken. He picks up the shattered pieces of hopes and dreams and whispered prayers, and yes – even fears – and begins the painstakingly delicate process of piecing them back together. And as He refashions my broken heart He breathes life, and purpose, and hope into the deepest places of my heart. Those places where two pieces meet, they form an ugly crack, a crevice, a scar.
But the life He breathes into me, a soul-saving mixture of grace and glory, it fuses those cracks, bonding a thousand ugly broken pieces into a beautiful mosaic of a heart so completely in love with Him.
And so I am still knee-deep in waiting. Muddy waters threaten to overcome me, but I keep my eyes on Jesus, and a smidge of faith and loads of grace keep me from sinking.
I recently read Seasons of a Woman’s Life by Lois Evans. The author outlines the seasons of her own life, comparing them to the divinely appointed seasons of the Biblical heroine Esther, Queen of Persia. Until I read this book I’d identified this season of my life simply as waiting. But Evans identifies three primary seasons of a woman’s life: The Season of Seed Planting, The Season of Growth, and the Season of Harvest.
Perhaps this season of waiting spans two seasons of my life: seed planting and growth. I wonder if in those early months of wrestling and waiting Jesus was planting seeds in my heart, calling me to an altogether higher purpose. And now He has given me this season of waiting as a gift, so that while He brings healing to my heart He also brings growth.
Seasons of a Woman’s Life is one of those books that is easy to read, but challenging to put into action. Evans devotes an entire chapter to the subject of obedience. In it she makes this simple, yet gripping statement:
I wrestle with being obedient. I have a rebellious heart that is prone to wandering, and being obedient to the direction and commands of Jesus does not come naturally. But obedience is one discipline that is foundational in every season of life. Jesus said, “If you love me, keep my commandments” (John 14:15). Our obedience to Christ is a sweet love song of worship and adoration of our Savior, no matter our season in life. Even when we’re knee-deep in the muddy waters of waiting.
Today I’m teaming up with Moody Publishers to giveaway a copy of Seasons of a Woman’s Life and True Woman 101: Divine Design. The latter is an eight-week Bible study on biblical womahood. Written by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Mary A. Kassian, this study examines what the Bible says about gender roles and encourages women to embrace Biblical Womanhood. While they take a complementarian approach to gender roles, the authors are very intentional to underscore the Biblical truth that while men and women were created with different roles in mind, they hold equal value in the eyes of God. I haven’t quite finished the study, but it has enriched my quiet time and challenged me to embrace the spectacular calling God has placed on my life.
Disclosure: Moody Publishers supplied me with two copies of Seasons of a Woman’s Life and True Woman 101: Divine Design in order for me to read, review, and giveaway. All opinions expressed in this blog post are wholly my own. This post includes affiliate links, which go directly to our make-a-baby fund.
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Have a wonderful Monday!