I was praying, except I didn’t realize it. Whispered heart cries spilled out from the deep places in my heart, or maybe my soul. I truly believe that the Spirit intercedes on our behalf when words fail us.
How long I’d been praying I don’t know. And what I’d been praying for I can’t say. I surprised myself when I heard these words come out of my mouth: “Lord, just please don’t let this wandering be in vain. I want to wander with intention.” And I remembered the poem by J.R.R. Tolkien that states, not all those who wander are lost.
Until that moment I wasn’t consciously aware that I feel like I’m in a season of wandering. There is a tremendous comfort and consolation that comes from know that our story or infertility and miscarriage is impacting and encouraging others. Knowing that there is a greater purpose somehow eases the pain and frustration.
But somewhere in the quiet recesses of my heart and soul I know I am wandering, and even wondering. I wonder where we go from here, how do we move on with life when our sweet baby waits for us in heaven? How do we decide what our next plan of action will be while we are mourning the loss of a precious life? How much of this painful story am I called to share? So many questions, questions that don’t really have concrete “right” answers.
And so I wander. Although I don’t know where this road leads, I do not wander aimlessly. And while I can’t see the master plan, I do not wander blindly. Instead I breathe quiet prayers that somehow this wandering will be intentional, purposeful, grace-filled.
Wandering with intention is challenging. Finding purpose amidst the grief, seeing grace in the midst of pain and frustration, and choosing to worship in spite of my hurt and anger requires a giving up of self and holding on to something that I cannot see. It is both painful and healing all at the same time.
And the saving grace in it all: He accepts my wrestling and my worship. And He guides me through the valley of the shadow, offering the faintest hope of light, and the comfort that I am not alone. And I wonder if His light shines brightest when the shadows are their darkest.
Not all those who wander are lost. Some of them are being guided by the unseen Holy One through the valley of the shadow of death, and only He knows what waits for them on the mountain top.
- All that is gold does not glitter,
- Not all those who wander are lost;
- The old that is strong does not wither,
- Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
- A light from the shadows shall spring;
- Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
- The crownless again shall be king.
- – J.R.R. Tolkien
How do you pursue being intentional in the midst of wandering, wondering, and waiting? My sweet husband and I are studying resources on miscarriage, and preparing our hearts for sharing our story over and over again. We seek to be filled with grace when people say insensitive things about infertility. And we are using this particular season of life to get back in shape, taking our frustrations out at the gym instead of with each other. Would you share with me though? Would you offer your wisdom and insight?
Are you ready to be an inspiration? (To find out the purpose of the Desire to Inspire community, please read this post.)
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- Link up your own quality, read-worthy posts.
- Focus on how you can be an inspiration, not what inspires you.
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