Desire to Inspire #44: A Happy, Glorious Ending

This time last year my heart was incredibly tender, most decidedly bruised and broken, and longing for some semblance of a healing touch from God. I was knee-deep in my wrestling with God. My heart questioned His faithfulness, and my mind challenged His sovereignty.

In a frantic, but failing attempt to protect my heart, I had silenced myself in regards to infertility. In some way I suppose I thought that if I didn’t verbalize our struggle maybe it wasn’t really real. If I stayed quiet about my wrestling, maybe God would bless us with a baby. There were a select few women with whom I shared my secret, and each of them had wandered the painful, lonely journey of infertility.

I’d felt God’s relentless pursuit of my heart for months. I knew I had, on many levels, idolized motherhood, and I knew that He was vying for my whole heart, a heart solely and completely devoted to Him. Yet I resisted. In my journal I wrote,

“I am entrenched in a battle of wills – His and mine – and even though I know who will win, I wrestle. My one and only prayer, ‘Lord, don’t ever stop drawing my heart to You. Please don’t stop wooing me to Yourself.’”

And oh how I battled, wrestling with the Holy One, groaning under the suffocating weight of His love, pounding my fists in rebellion against the story He is writing on my behalf.

A few days before I left for Indianapolis and the Influence Conference, my husband took me out on a date. As I sat across from him I fairly whispered the words I’d known for so long to be true, but that I was so afraid to utter.

“I think God wants me to tell our story of infertility. I think I’m supposed to write about the wrestling with Him, and His faithfulness.”

My husband is wise, so wise. And his heart is so tender towards me. And somehow he was completely prepared for that statement, because he responded with nothing but complete confidence:

“You know you’re going to be speaking about infertility one day, right?”

I’m not a public speaker. But I knew, deep down, he was right. I nodded my head, but couldn’t bring forth a verbal ascent to his words.

And then, with compassion and love, he asked the question that completely reshaped the way I view this journey:

“But will you share our story if we don’t ever have that happy ending?”

My eyes filled with tears, and my spirit was heavy. I nodded while trying to stifle the tears that were already falling. Swallowing the lump in my throat I answered,

“Babe, we already have our happy ending. Our ultimate end is fellowship with Jesus! Eternally worshiping and enjoying Him in all of His holiness and glory! We have this assurance! It’s the in-between chapters that really suck.”

Yes, I uttered what was quite possibly the most theological statement I’ve ever spoken, and ended the thought with the word ‘suck.’

It’s the in-between, the unknown that is so hard to endure. Those long weeks turned into years of waiting and wondering, those are painful and frustrating.

But the ending – it is glorious, filled with endless praise of the the One who is worthy of all honor and glory.

When my husband posed that question, something stirred in my heart. Somewhere deep down, in the restless, broken places a quiet settling – a gentle healing took place.

And I knew…I knew that babies or empty arms, story time or empty cradles, squeals of laughter or quiet evenings…I will tell this story. And I will forever proclaim with confidence that I know the ending is a happy one.

Psalm 16 11 Graphic

Are you ready to be an inspiration? (To find out the purpose of the Desire to Inspire community, please read this post.)

  • Please visit the others who link up and leave kind, encouraging words for them. This is about encouraging, inspiring, and building up one another.
  • If you tweet about linking up, please use the hashtag #desiretoinspire so we can find each other.
  • Link up your own quality, read-worthy posts.
  • Focus on how you can be an inspirationnot what inspires you.
  • You do not have to follow ARD, but of course I’d love it if you would.
  • Link up your specific post, not your blog’s homepage.
  • Please do not link up giveaways, blog/social media hops, or shops.
  • Please link back to A Royal Daughter in your post (using the button below, or a text link back) or add this linky party to your linky party list.
  • If you would like to join the Desire to Inspire Facebook community or group Pinterest board, please e-mail me: royaldaughterdesigns(at)yahoo(dot)com.
A Royal Daughter
<div align="center"><a href="http://www.aroyaldaughter.com/category/desire-to-inspire/" title="A Royal Daughter"><img src="http://i1227.photobucket.com/albums/ee423/RoyalDaughterDesigns/D2IButton_zps98d3a085.png" alt="A Royal Daughter" style="border:none;" /></a></div>

Amanda
Amanda
Amanda

Latest posts by Amanda (see all)

Comments

  1. Jesi says:

    So true! In Christ we are made new, and we have been saved and our happy ending is in Him. :) Love this Amanda.

  2. Amy Jung says:

    I love your faith. The Christian community needs to see others who see with eternal eyes. We remember it in our own times of struggle. Thank you. Eternally grateful!

    • Amanda says:

      Oh Amy, thank you so much! My faith has been shaken, that’s for sure. But by God’s grace it is stronger for it. Thank you for your encouragement!

  3. Joanne Viola says:

    Beautiful post! It took courage to share, sweet friend. May God bless both you & your husband as you share this with others.

    • Amanda says:

      Thank you so much Joanne! It is definitely frightening to share all our “business” out there – especially since baby making is normally a private event. ;) But I am honored to be able to encourage others along the way. Thank you for YOUR encouragement!

  4. Cassandra says:

    Great post. I have to say infertility is the most challenging thing I have gone through, it also challenges your faith as well at times. The brokenness can sometimes be unbearable. This month for me has been a refreshing one, I am being purposeful in looking for and being thankful all those blessings I do have, the gifts God has given me. When I find myself sad or complaining I try to catch myself and remind myself of these things. While my heart cries for a child I know and trust (not saying there are difficult days) that my unknown future is in the hands of an unknown God.
    Currently we are being prayerful about adoption and researching agencies. We have always been open to that option but I also need to know that that is indeed God’s plan for our life. Its hard because there is the possibility I may never get to experience some parts of motherhood if we decide to stop our pursuit of treatments and focus on adoption.
    Once again thank you for your honesty, I always love reading your blog.

    • Cassandra says:

      my bad…I didn’t proof read
      * my unknown future is in the hands of a KNOWN God :)

      • Amanda says:

        AMEN Cassandra! Preach it, girl! Thank you for yoru encouragement too. We’re praying about adoption, but we don’t know yet how or when we’d go about it. SO much to talk about and pray about, right?

  5. So wise you are, friend, to know that your ending is {as in, already IS} a happy one. For those in Christ, we all get a happy ending.

    This post brought tears to my eyes. We have one son, who is 4-and-a-half years old, and we’ve been really praying/trying for about two years now to have another {though I’ve actually been off birth control since my son was about 6 months because I didn’t like what it was doing to my body}. The thing is, God had moved in our hearts when our son was about a year old to trust God to build our family in His timing. I thought this meant for sure that we’d have a houseful of kiddos by now. But with each passing birthday we celebrate with my son is bittersweet. My heart is so thankful for him because I know that there are women like you who haven’t even experienced having their first. So, please know I say all this with the utmost sensitivity towards the story God is writing in your life which, at this present time, does not yet include children.

    But, each birthday of his is also a reminder that the gap between him and a little brother or sister is ever widening. In general, though, most days I’m content. I trust the Lord and I am so thankful for the little man we have. I never want to make him feel as if he isn’t enough.

    As you said, though, no matter how our stories unfold, no matter how much the in-between sucks, we can rest assured that we will have our happy ending.

    • Amanda says:

      Hi Alana, I’m so sorry for your secondary infertility. That must be incredibly frustrating. I do understand the passing years though, my nieces and nephews are MUCH older than my children (hopefully!) will be. And most of my friends’ kids are now in school, and they’re dealing with so many different issues than babyhood brings. It is tough, isn’t it? Praying for grace and strength for you.

  6. Love that you shared…again. My MIL heart breaks for you, my beautiful DIL and all of those who silently long for that precious bundle to fill their hearts and home. Only eternity will reveal the “why”. But I do so love that there is that happy ending to look forward to! And the comfort in the “NOW” is the Holy Spirit within us, each and every day He gives us peace and strength that we need. Just enough grace for that day. What a precious Savior! Blessings on you and all those that long to be…♥

    • Amanda says:

      Hi Nannette. My heart just hurts for you, and I was wondering how you and your family are doing. I do keep you all in my prayers, I know the journey is tough, I’m thankful you are so supportive of your son and daughter-in-law.

  7. What an incredibly beautiful, faith-filled blog you have, Amanda. I am so inspired and overcome with thankfulness to have connected with you. Thank you for your complete honesty and transparency here…about so much! So refreshing and humbling, too. Love your heart, girl.

  8. Jill Burton says:

    I think this is my most favorite posts of yours, perhaps because it applies to all of us who struggle to share our stories. I must admit I’m tired of telling parts of my story. The abuse, the self-injury, the depression…still things that haunt me, but because of God, who writes the story (complete with it’s glorious end) I share it when He tells me to, when He knows that there is someone who needs to hear not just the yucky parts…but the way He holds me each day.

    11 For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, 12 training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, 13 waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works…

    We have so much to be thankful for…and so much to look forward to!

    Love you girl…

    • Amanda says:

      Well Jill you are all kinds of amazingly supportive this week! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am sometimes tired of telling my story too, but seeing as how it’s still on-going…at least sometimes it is a new revelation. :) Love you, friend!

  9. nicole weaver says:

    thank you. my husband and i are struggling with infertility. i struggle more than he does. i am the one who has the issues and it breaks my heart that i cant create a child with my husband. but i pray every day that my disappointment doesn’t overwhelm me and try to pull me from the Lord. its a daily struggle. one that i am speaking in faith that will get easier over time. thank you. my heart needed to hear this.

    • Amanda says:

      Hi Nicole,

      I’m so very sorry for your struggle with infertility. It is painful and often isolating. It has been a very long journey for me – moving from a place of bitterness to a spirit of grace. And sometimes the bitterness creeps in, and oftentimes the frustration floods my mind. But I do purpose to seek grace and glory in this journey. Praying for you tonight.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] flip to the last few pages of the book. I love the endings. Especially happy [...]

Share Your Thoughts

*