We suffered a miscarriage on May 23 this year. After four years of hoping and praying, our dreams came true, and then turned into a nightmare all too quickly.
Please hear my heart on this. One thing I learned during that heart-wrenching experience was that joy comes in the mourning.
When we lost our glory baby I had so much peace. When the doctor gave us the news that my blood levels had already started dropping my heart sank. I was sad, deeply sad. But from that moment on I had so much peace. My mind, my heart, and my body were filled with peace that is beyond comprehension, beyond what I could have even hoped for.
It took several days for my body to recognize what was happening. I found it cruelly ironic that we had prayed for four years for a baby, and suddenly we were praying for a natural miscarriage. But during those long, painful days there was peace, indescribable peace.
When my body finally began to miscarry our sweet treasure I felt so much relief. Even though it was then that I really grieved. I wrestled with our new reality, and at times I was so angry that God would “tease” us with such a short-lived life. But I was thankful I didn’t have to take more medications or undergo even more invasive procedures. I was relieved it was finally going to be over. Though my heart was hurting, even in the mourning there was a quiet, subtle joy that was planted, like a seed, in my heart.
There was joy because we had, for the first time, made a baby!
There was joy because we knew…we knew our baby’s life, short as it was, had a special purpose.
There was joy because my husband’s work was closed that entire week and he was able to be with me for nine straight days.
There was joy because my body actually did what it was suppose to without medication and procedures.
I am not glossing it over, or trying to share all the rainbows and butterflies there are to be found in the midst of a miscarriage. It was awful. It was physically and emotionally painful. And it was hard on our marriage because my sweet husband and I grieve in different ways.
But joy comes in the mourning.
In the midst of grieving, in the midst of feeling like life was choking me and my heart couldn’t take any more breaking, there was unexpected, quiet joy.
And I’m so thankful that I recognized it in the moment, not just in retrospect. I’m so thankful that while our dreams were turning to nightmares we were aware of the simple joys and overwhelming peace.
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