Jesus Isn’t Worried About Closed Doors

We sat there together hand in hand. It had been a few weeks since our miscarriage, and it was time for our final follow up call with our fertility specialist. The one where he would offer his official recommendation as to how and when to proceed with treatment.

We had been dreading this call for a while, putting it off as long as we could. In a way, having the final follow up call seemed so final. As though our grieving and hurting and wondering should be over. And we knew he’d want to talk about how to move forward with treatments – except that our hearts weren’t ready to move on, or move forward.

He called us right on time, and I think I was trembling as I answered the phone. We hadn’t spoken to him since the night we found out that we would miscarry. He assured us the miscarriage wasn’t our fault. It wasn’t my fault, it was nothing that I did or did not do. It was just “mother nature’s way” and no one can know for sure why this pregnancy, our pregnancy didn’t thrive. It was just meant to be.

He recommended we try one last IUI (intrauterine insemination) and told us our odds of a successful pregnancy with IUI was only 5%. If our fourth and final IUI was unsuccessful he recommended we consider IVF.

In those moments it seemed like doors were being slammed in our faces. After spending several thousands of dollars on three IUI cycles, it seemed like a huge risk to try again with only a 5% chance of pregnancy. We’d already decided IVF was out of the picture for us. We just could not reconcile the cost of IVF with the risk of either not conceiving or experiencing another very costly miscarriage.  As we hung up the phone we felt defeated. That night we decided it was time to take a break from fertility treatments, examine our hearts, take a hard look at our finances, and really, really seek the Lord’s will for growing our family.

We spent the summer researching different adoption scenarios. We have never felt called to international adoption, nor do we have the financial resources to fund one. If money were no option (meaning we could have afforded to adopt without any fund-raising, saving, or finding creative streams of revenue) our first choice would have been domestic infant adoption. And we know that if God had called us to adopt domestically or internationally He would have provided the funds to do it.

We have very dear friends who are foster-to-adopt parents, and we’ve watched their family grow and their ministry blossom over the past two years. This summer my husband and I spent many long hours researching, praying over, and talking about the possibility of us becoming foster parents. Some of you remember that we were kinship foster parents two years ago, and it didn’t really end all that well. We are still apprehensive at the thought, but our hearts are broken for the hundreds of thousands of children in the United States who are currently waiting to be adopted, and the thousands more who need a loving, but temporary home.

This summer was a time of healing for us. And a time of allowing our dreams to collide with God’s dreams. After our miscarriage I realized how very much I did not want to pursue more fertility treatments. Our odds of pregnancy were so small, and the cost was so great, and my heart wasn’t in it any more.

Doors were closing. Dreams were being reshaped – reborn to look more like His, and less like mine.

But Jesus isn’t worried about closed doors.

Jesus is not worried about closed doors - encouragement for #infertility from A Royal Daughter.

Remember in John 20, soon after His resurrection, Jesus appeared to ten of His disciples? The disciples were hiding out in a room, behind a closed and locked door, and Jesus appeared to them. Of course we don’t know how He got there. Did He walk through walls? Did He “teleport” from one location to the upper room? We can’t know that because the Bible doesn’t say. But we know that He did appear to them, and He offered peace.

In the evening of that first day of the week, the disciples were gathered together with the doors locked because of their fear of the Jews. Then Jesus came, stood among them, and said to them,“Peace to you!” – John 20:19

For us our closed door looked like the end of fertility treatments. It looked like exhausted financial resources and broken hearts.

But Jesus isn’t worried about closed doors.

At the end of the summer, in the midst of seeking Him and His will, and grieving and worshiping all at the same time, hope was conceived. A sweet baby conceived in love, without medical intervention – a true gift from God.

Because in any situation, including infertility, Jesus isn’t worried about closed doors.

15 thoughts on “Jesus Isn’t Worried About Closed Doors

  1. shelia

    thank you for writing so honestly about your journey. it has been an invaluable blessing and help as I have tried to keep in good relationship with my sister-in-law who, after two and a half years of trying to conceive, is due in March with her first baby. i made so many mistake as i had no idea the struggle they were experiencing. that made our relationship a challenge. your blog has helped me so much with understanding. thank you!

  2. Lydia

    Amanda, thank you so much for this! I can’t tell you how much your story reminds me of my sister’s. I want to direct her to your blog, because I feel she could relate in so many ways. She and her husband battled infertility for nearly five years. They took all the tests and couldn’t figure out why they weren’t able to conceive. The doctors finally had an answer, and it was one that rocked their world. You see, my sister’s husband has a metal rod in place of most of his spine. He’s had that rod in his back since his teenage years. Apparently, the spine produces chemicals that are needed to help with fertility. Since he had very little of his natural spine, his body wasn’t producing those chemicals. They were told that even with fertility treatments, their chances of pregnancy would be slim to none. After that very difficult conversation with their doctor, they went home and prayed. They just couldn’t justify spending so much money on slim-to-none chances. They told God that if He wanted them to have a baby, He was going to have to make it happen. Little did they know that God was already at work. Less than a week later, she found out she was almost five weeks pregnant. They now have an adorable little baby girl! It’s amazing what God does and how He surprises us in the most magnificent ways! I am so overjoyed for your little growing family! God truly is good all the time!

  3. catherine gacad

    i have had 2 miscarriages and have been struggling so hard with trying to understand. why would God give me 2 babies so fleetingly only to take them away. i am trying to believe and choose faith, but it’s very hard. it’s sad that it seems so much easier to choose despair.

  4. Pingback: Help Me Find It | If Gravity Happens

  5. Anna W.

    I am so glad I found your blog again! I was blogging a little over a year ago, and while I was away for a couple of weeks dealing with some family stuff, someone hacked my blog and deleted everything. I was devastated. I stayed away from the blogging community until last month, after that, because I really let it get to me that someone would be so cruel as to do such a thing. Anyways, so I am back and trying to find all of my old blogging friends :)

    This post literally had me shed a happy tear at the end. God is good ALL the time, and you are so right! He is not worried about closed doors. He can open doors that no man, not even doctors can close. Bless you and your sweet family!


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