I sip peppermint tea and pray it provides relief from the nausea. The weather is dreary, rain drip-drip-dripping from the eaves of our roof, and I am so thankful for the much needed rain that calms and refreshes. In the pasture our cows gather beneath a tree, seeking shelter from the rain. And inside the cats are snuggled up in quilts, covering their noses in an effort to stay warm. And I listen to the glorious sound of falling rain.
I find it a bit ironic that for so long I wrestled with my infertility, loathing the story, and blatantly refusing to tell it. Until finally His love broke through, slowly healing my broken heart, and giving me the words to write: a story that was ready to be written.
And now, my growing belly is proof of our answered prayers (and His gracious surprise!), yet I once again wrestle with words. Partly because for the past nine weeks I’ve been very close to miserable with nausea and vomiting, and even if I wanted to write, staring at a glowing computer screen is the last thing I want to do.
But the real reason I wrestle with words is that I don’t know what to write.
My heart is still burdened for my sweet friends who are still waiting, hoping, praying, crying to become parents. And I never want to push them away because my story now includes what they so desperately want. But I’ve been the one to stop reading a blog (or worse, abandon a friendship) because a pregnancy announcement is sometimes too much to bear, and I know some of you will do the same – and really, I can’t blame you. Just know my thoughts and prayers are always with you.
My identity is shifting, and I’m not quite sure what it is becoming. For a year my online identity has largely been shaped by sharing our story of infertility. My spiritual journey has been shaped by wrestling and questioning and seeking. We don’t know if our journey is over, or just on hold, but I feel this identity shift very keenly, and I am left fumbling for words, not only on this blog, but also in my personal journal.
There are few times in a person’s life when they recognize the coming identity crisis, at least this is true in my own life. I think motherhood may be one of those times. I have lived 31 years without the responsibility and honor of nurturing another human soul. I have prayed for and prepared for this weighty responsibility, this glorious honor, and yet I know nothing can truly prepare me for what will most surely be the crowning role of my life. My identity is shifting. My life is changing. And I’m still very much processing it.
I question too, how these magnificent life changes will affect my blog – my writing. Will I share my child publicly with the world? Will I write their stories for them, sharing what seems like little more than quaint childhood rites of passage, but to a wandering young adult will be mortifying and embarrassing? Will I share their innocent, precious faces with the world – for anyone to look at? And if I keep their life private, what will I write about?
How does one transition from writing about infertility to writing about motherhood?
How does one tell their own story, without telling their child’s story?
How does one rejoice in the gracious gift of a new life, while maintaining privacy?
These are just some of questions with which I wrestle, and why I once again fumble for words. If you have any wisdom, please share it with me, I need your guidance, and your prayers.
Are you ready to be an inspiration? (To find out the purpose of the Desire to Inspire community, please read this post.)
- Please visit the others who link up and leave kind, encouraging words for them. This is about encouraging, inspiring, and building up one another.
- If you tweet about linking up, please use the hashtag #desiretoinspire so we can find each other.
- Link up your own quality, read-worthy posts.
- Focus on how you can be an inspiration, not what inspires you.
- You do not have to follow ARD, but of course I’d love it if you would.
- Link up your specific post, not your blog’s homepage.
- Please do not link up giveaways, blog/social media hops, or shops. Unfortunately this request has not been followed recently, and I’m afraid I’m going to have to start deleting links that do not meet the guidelines.
- Please link back to A Royal Daughter in your post (using the button below, or a text link back) or add this linky party to your linky party list.
- If you would like to join the Desire to Inspire Facebook community or group Pinterest board, please e-mail me: [email protected]
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