I sip peppermint tea and pray it provides relief from the nausea. The weather is dreary, rain drip-drip-dripping from the eaves of our roof, and I am so thankful for the much needed rain that calms and refreshes. In the pasture our cows gather beneath a tree, seeking shelter from the rain. And inside the cats are snuggled up in quilts, covering their noses in an effort to stay warm. And I listen to the glorious sound of falling rain.

I find it a bit ironic that for so long I wrestled with my infertility, loathing the story, and blatantly refusing to tell it. Until finally His love broke through, slowly healing my broken heart, and giving me the words to write: a story that was ready to be written.

And now, my growing belly is proof of our answered prayers (and His gracious surprise!), yet I once again wrestle with words. Partly because for the past nine weeks I’ve been very close to miserable with nausea and vomiting, and even if I wanted to write, staring at a glowing computer screen is the last thing I want to do.

But the real reason I wrestle with words is that I don’t know what to write.

My heart is still burdened for my sweet friends who are still waiting, hoping, praying, crying to become parents. And I never want to push them away because my story now includes what they so desperately want. But I’ve been the one to stop reading a blog (or worse, abandon a friendship) because a pregnancy announcement is sometimes too much to bear, and I know some of you will do the same – and really, I can’t blame you. Just know my thoughts and prayers are always with you.

My identity is shifting, and I’m not quite sure what it is becoming. For a year my online identity has largely been shaped by sharing our story of infertility. My spiritual journey has been shaped by wrestling and questioning and seeking. We don’t know if our journey is over, or just on hold, but I feel this identity shift very keenly, and I am left fumbling for words, not only on this blog, but also in my personal journal.

There are few times in a person’s life when they recognize the coming identity crisis, at least this is true in my own life. I think motherhood may be one of those times. I have lived 31 years without the responsibility and honor of nurturing another human soul. I have prayed for and prepared for this weighty responsibility, this glorious honor, and yet I know nothing can truly prepare me for what will most surely be the crowning role of my life. My identity is shifting. My life is changing. And I’m still very much processing it.

I question too, how these magnificent life changes will affect my blog – my writing. Will I share my child publicly with the world? Will I write their stories for them, sharing what seems like little more than quaint childhood rites of passage, but to a wandering young adult will be mortifying and embarrassing? Will I share their innocent, precious faces with the world – for anyone to look at? And if I keep their life private, what will I write about?

How does one transition from writing about infertility to writing about motherhood?

How does one tell their own story, without telling their child’s story?

How does one rejoice in the gracious gift of a new life, while maintaining privacy?

These are just some of questions with which I wrestle, and why I once again fumble for words. If you have any wisdom, please share it with me, I need your guidance, and your prayers.

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  1. says

    Praying for you Amanda. Even though this is a huge shift for you, one thing I always admire and love about you is that you are honest. I’m looking forward to you honesty, no matter the topic. I’m proud to know you.

  2. says

    Once your child is born you will find how you feel. At the moment you are dealing with a lot. I wasn’t going to blog about my son but he is such a huge part of my life that I can’t help but talk about him. I have a nickname for him and I don’t blog his actual birthday. I put a post around the date and don’t mention which date. I hope this helps to keep him safer. I hope the sickness eases. It is a good sign. Good luck on your journey!

  3. says

    First, let me say, praying for your sickness sweetie! Second, oh my goodness I can so relate. I am still infertile and struggling with it. Never had a baby biologically. BUT – have been blessed by a miracle, just like you, though ours was through adoption. I felt that same identity crisis for a while and also the same “guilty” (maybe, not sure best word) in sharing this new blessing because of my burden and connection with all the others still suffering and still waiting. BUT – it is so from the Enemy! It is so a lie (The guilt and shame part)! Yes, we know from experience that upon finding out someone else who struggled with inf. is now no longer struggling that initially is hard, we feel that thought coming up, “why not me?” But you know that ultimately we are so joyful for that person. I think thats all a part of the process. It’s all a part of what we, as women struggling with this disease need to go through. We also need to see the MIRACLES HAPPENING. It’s too easy NOT to believe in them! Just as you prayed for this miracle and needed God to bless you, we need to see it and hear the story as well. May not be easy all the time for those hearing it, but we NEED it. Don’t keep it from us. And don’t be ashamed or scared to tell it. Help us all process our own journey!

    You will live in joy and peace.
    The mountains and hills will burst into song,
    and the trees of the field will clap their hands!
    13 Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow.
    Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up.

    This is a verse, a promise, that is near and dear to me in my journey. God gave this verse to me a long time ago. Four years ago he gave us Brennan. It’s because of that story, that miracle, that so many others saw God! His glory was shown off! Embrace it.

    Sorry this was so long. Praying for you to feel better:) ~Melissa

  4. says

    First, congrats on the pregnancy. I have not been reading regularly, so didn’t know until this post when I saw it flash on twitter. CONGRATS! You raise very important questions. It must be a real struggle,. You want to be sensitive to your readers who have shared in your struggle with infertility yet you do not want to minimize or deny the joy you feel expecting a baby (sorry about the nausea, hopefully second trimester gives you some relief). Hope you can find the balance and accept whatever the reader response may be. As for what this blog will become, that will come to you in time and prayer just as it did the last time you changed the focus of this blog.

  5. says

    There are so many great comments already, I echo them with this: As long as you keep seeking God’s desire for your writing, He will show you what you should write and share. I myself am changing how things are shared on my own blog, to a more discrete manner. I think of them when they will be older, and not wanting all of their antics out on the web.
    I’ll be praying for you my friend!

  6. says

    Many of those questions we’re still struggling with and our child is due any day now. It’s amazing how quickly a pregnancy and that child take over your life and in many ways define it. I questioned whether or not I wanted to write about pregnancy and baby, but when it is what everything revolves around, how can I not? Praying for you!

  7. says

    Always a blessing to read your words, Amanda. I’m so excited about Baby E, despite you being miserable and nauseous! Whatever you choose to write and share, I will be here to savor each post and appreciate your stories. HUGS!!!!

  8. says

    How did I miss this?!? Congratulations!! I completely understand the struggle of infertility and the blessing/surprise of a pregnancy that you prayed for but never thought would happen. We are now expecting baby #4 in March! Praying that the all day sickness passes quickly!!

  9. says

    You write so beautifully and honestly Amanda. The truth in it for me is that after years of infertility and the subsequent birth of healthy, happy twin boys, I was left with what my friends & I call PTSD & survivor’s guilt. I think that fertility and infertility will always be my personal baggage but the beautiful thing is that we get through it and we find a way to build the family our heart longs for. I think I will always feel like an infertile person who became a mom and I treasure the wisdom in that. There’s not a bit of it that I would change because it has brought me to this wonderful point in my life. Your truth may be a little different than mine, but it’s such a gift that you write about it and we can all make our connections with each other in support and love. And another gift for us is that we can relate and hold dear all men and women who struggle to build their family. We can overcome our survivor’s guilt and instead focus on lifting them up and holding them close. I can’t wait to read more about your journey to motherhood!

  10. Kim says

    Hi Amanda,
    I’ve been following your blog and journeying with you on infertility. I’ve never commented, but I was struck by your questions in this post about transitions. My husband and I are almost 11 weeks pregnant, this is our first time. We were pregnant with twin, but about a 1 1/2 weeks ago, one of our babies heart stopped beating. The other baby is still alive, but it threatened by the other baby that is no longer alive. It has been one of the hardest things we’ve ever experienced. I feel so sad to lose one baby but catch myself in my mourning because I feel the need to press on for the other baby. I share all this because God will show you and us how He wants us to transition from infertility to motherhood. It is still your journey. In this short time, I have felt God come closer to me than ever before, and that is one of the blessings in this journey.


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