Peace not as the world gives

We sat in the car outside of the emergency room. My heart was hurting, my hands were trembling, and my husband was at a loss as to how to comfort me. Tears welled in my eyes, but I fought them back. 

“I don’t want to walk this road again, Lord. Not now. Not this far along.”

The lump in my throat kept me from vocalizing my unspoken prayer, but He heard those silent heart screams.

Follow Me.

His Spirit whispered quiet words deep into my soul. And if I’m honest they offered little comfort. Soft as it was, it was a command. I wanted answers and assurance that everything would be okay.

“I will follow You, how can I not? But please, Lord, don’t lead me there. Not again.”

Follow Me.

Like Peter, I’d taken my eyes off of the One who leads me beside still waters, the One who restores my soul, the One who is light in the shadow of death. And like Peter His Spirit beckoned me with a quiet, gentle command: Follow Me.

The cramping, the blood, it really was so different from last time. And yet so very much like last time. I know my emotions ran wild – raging wild – because I was reliving my miscarriage and loss from just a few months ago. I wanted to trust His plan, His will, His love for me. But my mind was filled with questions and worry and fear.

Phone calls to my midwife and my dear friend who is an OB nurse only slightly helped to calm my nerves. I tried to believe them when they said that mostly likely I and Baby E. were just fine, that the symptoms were completely normal. But still, my heart was heavily burdened by the beast of “what if?”

We didn’t go to the ER. We knew the situation really wasn’t an emergency.

I spent most of that day praying, pleading with God to let everything be okay. As I struggled with trust and obedience and willingness I began to pray for peace. Trust is so much easier when He gives the gift of peace.

“I am leaving you with a gift–peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” John 14:27, NLT

My spirit longed for His peace – the peace that would see me through whatever may come. In this situation I knew what kind of peace the world could give: an ultrasound or doppler detecting a strong heartbeat would bring so much peace. But I wanted more than that.

I prayed for His peace – the kind of peace that would allow me to follow Him in obedience, no matter how easy or difficult the journey may be. The kind of peace that releases the fear and worry and offers hands opened in worship and surrender.

Jesus is so faithful. That afternoon I felt that beautiful gift of peace. I focused on Him and His faithfulness, and somehow my mind and my body relaxed in the knowledge that even in the valley of the shadow of death – He is there, offering peace.

Late that night we did get to hear that beautiful heartbeat. It was strong and steady – and quite possibly the most beautiful sound my ears will hear in this lifetime. And while I reveled in knowing our baby was still safe and growing in my womb, I can say with all honesty that I had no more peace after hearing that beautiful heartbeat than I did before.

He gives peace not as the world gives. And the world cannot understand that peace.

Peace not as the world gives via aroyaldaughter.com Our scare happened a week and a half ago. This picture is from exactly one week later – 15 w, 5 d.
Amanda
Amanda
Amanda

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Comments

  1. Elizabeth says:

    Oh my gosh I pretty much cried reading this! I am so very happy that you and the baby are all right and I pray that your pregnancy would go smoothly from here on out. Hugs and prayers.

  2. Continued thoughts and prayers for you, Hubby, and that precious Bab E. I hope your sickness and yucky symptoms subside soon too. BIG HUGS1!!!!1

  3. Caroline says:

    So glad you are ok!!! Thinking about you and sending hugs your way! xoxo

  4. Keri Southern says:

    It is wonderful to be able to witness God working in such a visible and tangible way in your lives and for you to share it, even when it is painful and even when it is things that we, as humans, don’t want to admit are a struggle, is such a blessing! Thank you, sweet Ericksons, for being real and transparent about your journey and for continuing to reach for what the Lord wants in your lives. Hugs to you!

  5. Karly says:

    Although I cannot personally relate to your feelings, you have so clearly, vividly shown me your fear and pain in the face of unknown yet familiar circumstances. My heart cries out for you and I pray that the Lord does keep you in His peace so that you can feel safe and assured. I will keep you continually in my prayers. <3

  6. Colleen says:

    I’ve been praying and will continue to do so! You’re going to be such a great mommy and your glowing and beautiful! :)

  7. Sarah Jane says:

    I’m so glad your baby’s alright!!! Hearing the heartbeat is a wonderful thing. I’ll continue to pray for you.

  8. Pamela says:

    Such a scare! Glad God’s leading you down this path healthily so far. I’m ten weeks three days right now, so… but I don’t have your history. Prayers and hugs!

  9. Tehila says:

    Praise the Lord, Amanda! I read your post holding my breath, and was so relieved to hear that everything is OK.! God is indeed faithful, kind, gracious, loving, and compassionate! May He continue to sustain you and little baby, physically and in His perfect peace! I pray for you whenever I think of you, which is pretty often :-) xxx

  10. alana taylor says:

    Goodness, girl. You almost scared me for a second! I started reading this and thought, “Oh no!” By the end, though, I sighed in relief, thanking God that this story didn’t end the way I thought it would. Of course, God would have still been good, no matter what. It just brings me joy to know that He is continuing to grow this little life within you. Can’t wait to “meet” this precious gift.

  11. i was on the verge of tears reading this post. God bless you and your baby for your faith.

  12. Jessica says:

    My heart was pounding the entire time I was reading this post. I am so glad that you and baby are okay. I pray for you daily. that your baby would grow healthy and strong and that you would continue to feel better.

  13. Thea Nelson says:

    Oh my word, Amanda!! What a day…I was SO relieved to read all is well!! When I was pregnant with my daughter Aila so soon after we lost our second son in miscarriage, I was at an OB appointment and the doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat with the doppler. Like, for a while. I tried to stay calm but finally melted into a puddle of tears, silently crying out to God “Please, please do not ask me to walk this road of loss again!!!” Thankfully, an ultrasound showed all was well (and Aila is my crammed-with-joy 5 year old now). I remember one night I was having trouble trusting God in that pregnancy. And my husband said to me, “There really is nothing for us but to trust God. What other option do we truly have but that?” So true. Not easy, but true. Baby E really IS SO LOVED!! Not to mention covered in prayer! Love to you. And PEACE! :)

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