Infertility and why we need you

Our journey to parenthood was long, but not as long as some. And it was painful, though not as painful as others experience. Were it not for the unwavering prayers of precious saints, and the gentle touch of those who lifted us up and carried us through the dark days of struggling to understand, my husband and I would have surely failed at being faithful.

Every woman who longs to be a mommy, but is still in that desperate time of waiting and wondering, knows this to be true: we wrestle with God and struggle to understand. Our bodies seem to be at war with our hearts – our deepest desires that seem to be so much of who we think we are – and we know that the war within us is physical, it is emotional, it is spiritual.

We watch our friends and sisters and cousins become mommies, and we rejoice with them. But we grieve for ourselves. We see all of their firsts: first teeth, first steps, first words, first Christmas, first birthday, first day of school; beautiful, precious lives that move on in a natural progression of some divine plan that seems to have forgotten us. And we wonder if we will ever have those firsts. We wonder and we wait. And we wrestle. Oh yes, how we wrestle.

We wrestle with dreams and reality. Dreams we’ve had since we were little girls, and a reality that those dreams may not come true. We wrestle with truth and lies. Truth that His plan is perfect, His will is good and gracious; and lies from the Deceiver that we aren’t good enough, healthy enough, strong enough, worth enough to be a mommy. We wrestle with joy and sorrow. Joy for the babies our friends deliver, for their health and their innocence and their beauty; yet we sorrow for our own empty arms and empty cradles.

Sometimes we withdraw ourselves because the pain is too great a burden to carry in front of others. But it is then, when being alone and isolated feels the most natural, that we need friends with tender hearts and thick skin to come alongside us and help carry our burden. We know you can say nothing to comfort us, even though you will try. We know you hurt for us, even though you cannot understand.

When we hide behind a fragile facade of trusting God’s will and timing, hold our hands and be there with us as we wait. When our tears are bravely held back through a grace-filled moment of courage, cry with us – let those tears fall, so that we know it’s safe to let our own tears flow. When our hearts are broken, don’t try to say the right thing – there is no right thing. Just be there, without judgement or question or platitudes, holding our hands, and we’ll know you’re shouldering a burden we can no longer carry on our own. When we don’t know how to pray, or flat out refuse to out of anger and frustration, won’t you pray for us? Won’t you pray for our broken hearts and wounded souls? Your prayers are our allies on a battlefield of self pity and regret.

Infertility and the need for unconditional friendship via A Royal Daughter

You may not understand our journey, but you understand questioning God. You may not understand our broken heart, but you know what it is to hurt and grieve. You may not understand our struggle, but you know what it means to wrestle with the Almighty. And we need your friendship. We need your compassion. We need you companionship.

Don’t let us isolate ourselves. Don’t let us feel forgotten. Don’t let us retreat to that place of aloneness where we feel safe, but really are the most vulnerable. As much as we think you won’t understand, as much as we want to be alone in our pit of despair – we need you. We just may not realize it yet.

Amanda
Amanda
Amanda

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Comments

  1. Cassandra says:

    WOW.
    That is the only word I could use to describe this, it is SO VERY spot on.
    The last few months since choosing to stop fertility treatments I have distanced myself from friends, I felt all these emotions (including if I was doing the right thing) and the fact that so many times I just couldn’t relate and we were just not going to mesh as friends. I even told my best friend I couldn’t be friends with her anymore, we were just at different points in our lives and she has mommy friends now. She saw through the hurt though and said while she would distance herself she could feel my pain and still wanted to be my friend.
    I’m learning and trying to accept graciously the plan God has for our lives but that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle or doubt. We have decided to pursue adoption and while we have always been open to this path, before we knew we would have trouble conceiving, it is still difficult, hard work and expensive. This journey has and continues to be one of faith, tears and at times even anger BUT through it we have made our marriage stronger and I have learned how truely deep my Father above and my husband’s love is for me, regardless. When I have fear or tears I remind myself God knows me better than anyone and I need to trust HIS PLAN, it is better for me than anything I could imagine. Breaking down my walls and being pen with our journey has not come easy and will push me even further when we let people know we are adopting.
    Congrats to you and thank you for this post.

  2. I cannot thank you enough for sharing this post. One of my best friends is going through infertility struggles right now and as I’m no where near that point in my life, I often don’t know what to do or what to say. All I know is that I love her a lot and want to be there no matter what that entails or what she needs. THANK YOU for helping me to learn how to be a better friend & how to love more deeply! I’m so grateful for this post!.

  3. Yes. This is what I’ve always wished I could write, but you have done it more beautifully than I ever could have. This needs to be standard reading for anyone who loves someone who is dealing with infertility.

  4. amanda, you have such a genuine way of conveying how so many of us feel. thank you for sharing this heart-felt post.

  5. Caeli says:

    Just found your blog on Naturally Knocked Up. Loved reading this.

  6. Amy says:

    Your words have spoken exactly what is in my heart. My husband and I have struggled with infertility for years and God has take 5 of our precious angels in the last 3 years through miscarriages or tubal pregnancies. It is hard to understand this loss unless you have been there. I am the 1st in our family to have this struggle so the deep understanding of our pain just isn’t there. I was so inspired by your blog that I finally followed God’s “little helpful hints” and hit publish on my own little blog about our journey. God has made it clear to me that one of purposes for going through this is to share my testimony to help others. I have to admit it has been very healing to just let it all out and put down so many things that I haven’t been able to say. Your inspiration has truly been priceless! I so pray that one day I will be able to publish joyous news of little one coming like you are right now. Many Blessings!!

  7. Tracy says:

    HI! I stumbled across your blog after seeing a link on Leslie Padgett’s blog. When I read this post and saw your graphic, I immediately had to write a post as I was so deeply inspired by it.

    Thank you so much for your candor, your heart and your ability to write so that people like me can dare to speak my innermost – fertility is a beast of burden that is truly unlike other deeply painful trials of this life. You get it, and I appreciate you for writing.

    Hugs & congratulations on your pregnancy….a boy!

    xo – Tracy
    seekingrefinementblog.blogspot.com

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