Two years ago I sat on the floor in my hotel room in Indianapolis, tears streaming down my face. I’d held it together most of the day, but that afternoon I couldn’t take it anymore.
I’d known for months that I needed to write about our infertility. I knew God had given us that story to tell, and that He had a beautiful purpose for our story. But I didn’t know how. And I really didn’t want to.
I’d been wrestling, my will against His will, my heart tender from battle wounds and extravagant grace.
When I went to Indianapolis for the Influence Conference I expected big things. I knew my roommates fairly well, and they knew my story and that my heart was fragile. God handpicked those ladies to be my roommates that year.
During one of the sessions Jessi read from Isaiah 54, and I flipped the pages of my Bible to that chapter having no idea it would change my life.
I felt a hundred different emotions as I read that verse, and I silently shook my fist at God and told Him that I felt He was asking too much of me. (You can read the whole story here.)
I cried for hours. My roommates put their afternoon plans on hold so they could minister to my wounded heart. They cried with me, wrapped their arms around me, and prayed for me.
And a few weeks later I traded my will for His, surrendered in obedience, and shared the story I didn’t want to tell.
How could I have known that less than a year later I would be carrying our surprise redemption baby?
This time last year my heart was all a flutter and my mind was agonizing over how and when to share about the unexpected and so-loved little life growing inside me. I was incredibly sick, unable to hold down food and most liquids, and trying desperately to figure out whether or not I was going to make it to the Influence Conference. I prayed and consulted my husband, family, and close friends. Because the pregnancy sickness didn’t seem to be going away (and it would stick around for several more months) I decided it was best for me to stay close to home during those early weeks of my pregnancy.
And this year, exactly one year after sharing about our pregnancy here on my blog, I will be heading to Indianapolis with my sweet Ezra baby. Twenty-three months after I sat on that hotel room floor broken and weary, I will return to that battlefield, that holy ground, boasting in what GOD has done for me, rejoicing in His goodness to me, and praising Him for His victory.
Today I’m linking up with other Influence Conference gals for an online meet + greet.
Hello, that’s me.
I’m Amanda, a Texas gal living on a small farm in the heart of God’s country. My husband is a seminary professor, and after nearly five years of infertility we welcomed our surprise redemption baby in April. Ezra will be joining me in Indianapolis. I’m a dreamer who rarely finishes a project, a writer with too much inspiration and not enough get ‘er done, and a woman who daily stands in need of grace.
And this is Ezra, my smiley little almost-five-month-old. He’s a lean, mean, milk-drinking machine. And he loves to cuddle.
What am I most excited about Influence Conference?
I’m excited about many things, really I am. But without a doubt I’m most excited to get to see my roommates, especially Sarah and her own miracle baby, Naomi. Sarah and I connected over infertility a couple of years ago. Our journeys to motherhood mirror each other so closely, and then, just as only God could do, our miracle babies were born on the same day, six minutes apart. I can’t wait to hug Sarah and kiss sweet Naomi.
What can I not leave home without?
Seeing as I’ll have the little guy in tow, I better bring my Ergo baby carrier. I’m hoping to have a ring sling by then too so I’ll have more options for toting little E around.
I’ll also have my iPhone, because really, who goes anywhere without their phone these days? And because Ezra is such a Daddy’s boy he will absolutely have to hear his daddy’s voice while we’re gone. Hopefully we’ll get some FaceTiming in too.
I’m also going to bring my camera, but it’s a toss up as to whether or not I’ll actually use it.
For those heading to Indianapolis next week: see you soooooooon!
For those who aren’t, will you keep me in your prayers? Flying across the country with a five month old has me a little bit nervous. If you have tips + tricks + old pro secrets, please share them.